When I look, both ways, as far as I can see, are just a labyrinth of dirty little alleyways. I stretch on my tiptoes trying to see the final destination of both paths... I know its impossible, but if I just knew the outcome wouldn`t the choice be so much easier?....
Im pretty certain by this point that one of the maladies afflicting me is the way I evince my cluelessness. I think so much, I can`t stop it- and the thing is I never figure anything out. It feels like it just takes me farther from understanding. Does everyone think this much?..does this make me sound sanctimonious? perhaps they just dont put everything up front-aren't displaying the fact that they have no clue whats going on... I do got a few quixotic thoughts rollin around in there but , but I don`t know what I want. Or What the answers are all I AM certain of is that I DONT KNOW; how is everyone else so sure?
Thats vague I know, but these thoughts get really deep, too deep for me; they just swim around inside my head day and night, They start to get tangled up and trip me slip me fuck me up. When I ignore them then they pile up real high waiting for a moment to drown me in them. I just don`t understand why this is, my life's not very complicated. Maybe when I`m back in Oregon I might be able to breath again and just maybe my mind will come back to earth; ill settle this all out later, or at least there will be alot of distractions;)
Time is so F`ed up, have u realized this? I dont even know what time is, and I hate the way this fake idea controls everything. Im somewhat convinced its not even real. People say o times passing so fast or omg its going by so slow... but it does, right?... If this is true then all of a sudden my time here turned slow-mo.
I`ve started to feel like being here is putting my real life on pause and have an intense need to be back in Oregon. Its not home sickness but restlessness I guess u could call it. At the same Time I can`t bear the thought of leaving Emmi and Anto. literally can not bear it, and thus I try to avoid it. I`ve met alot of people yeah but these girls have became such a big part of my reality its hard to imagine it without them. I know i haven't written about them in here but I plan to soon real real soon.
Outside of my mind out in the real world stuff goes on, yeah believe it or not. Now everyones focus is on the big festival! yippe!? idk. I was stubborn and managed to get involved with as little of the preparations and events as possible, because to the dismay of others I try to keep the public embarrassment to a minimum.
One thing that all the girls are involved in is the fan dance- thats what i call it;) Its a very very very long traditional japanese dance that involves a folding fan. Trying to learn this along with Emi and Anto is a straight up riot.(the other girls already now it) So the Pe teachers been teaching it to us while everyone else plays volleyball (i.e stairs at us) yeah u know... homie. Its a neat opportunity though especially besides a lil origami and calligraphy I havent experienced very much traditional Japanese art. There are some girls though that are very set on me being in the cheer leading performance, and only because I love and respect my teacher so much I crumbled, I finally gave in today. Ill let u know how this goes and its very likely u will be hearing being some complaints about it in the near future. I am so not a stoical person.
The SAT is also coming up, enough said on that for realzzzzzz.... I `d rather slave away in a rice field than think about THAT.
oyasuminasai, kels
catch ya on the flip side( or at pdx airport 2:30? :) )
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